With Love

Have you ever felt like you played a part in someone’s glow-up? Like, you brought out someone’s potential, and they basically take it and run with it. A whole level-up they take and give it to someone else. I brought out the best in you, and you do me like that?

Many times, we know how we want to feel. I think we go wrong when we try to control who should give us those feelings. Why do we make love so controlling that way? This causes us to cling to a person’s potential. This causes us to stick around and try to force a feeling from someone who can’t provide it.

I was devoted to you.  I was patient and giving. Like my hard work didn’t pay off. Thinking someone owes me after all. But then accountability is like, girl, you know you saw those red flags, so stop the melodrama.

Instead of being open to the feelings we know we want to feel, we also try to dictate who shall provide them. Babe, that’s your job. Give it to yourself first, that’s what I had to realize. Stop trying to change people and calling it accountability. Stop holding people responsible for what you have not given to yourself.

Like, what was it about them in the first place? What made you cling to the idea of better? Seeing someone else’s potential and acting on it takes courage. Those white flags vs the red ones aren’t that hard to decipher. We fool ourselves into thinking so, potential.

It’s toxic because I was trying to control someone else’s process without even realizing it. You can think you have someone’s best interest because you see their potential, but they have to see it. They have to want to reach their potential on their own. It’s actually selfish; accountability is knowing what’s best for you first and acting on it. Instead, I want you to grow for both of us, and I want you to do it now; that’s selfish.

I didn’t realize how selfish I was because I gave so much. I overexerted myself in my past relationships, and I wanted that in return. I was passionate; I thought love was just that passionate. I thought love was supposed to be all-or-nothing.

In my harsh experiences, I have faced one harsh reality. I was always overextending myself. I loved people the way I wanted to be loved before giving it to myself first, without even considering their love language. I gave what I needed, expecting it to be reciprocated. Is love a balance of give and take without expectations?

There’s a thin line between holding people to a standard and wanting people to change who they are for you. When you love yourself first, you take the weight off people who have to make up for your lack thereof. I have been in a few situations where I genuinely loved someone, but because they didn’t love themselves, I also had to fill that void.

I was giving way more than I was receiving. I felt like I could love them into loving themselves. By loving them enough, they would eventually see their worth. It never ended well because I would always feel like I was pouring from an empty cup. It always became draining and depleting.

Really, I just needed the same thing in return. I think it all goes back to who we are as individuals. It’s all a reflection, isn’t it? What do you want, and how much of that are you giving to yourself?

So, what can two people in love with no self-love really do for each other? This just becomes a toxic mess. My loyalty and devotion were my toxic traits at the time. I was fully indulgent and invested all of my energy into one person. I was always dedicated to someone outside of myself.

When you haven’t loved yourself first, given yourself what you need first, your expectations become impossible to please. The thing is, you can do the self-work, the learning, the healing, and it still doesn’t mean that you’re going to find your soul person so easily. I guess that’s another scary thing about love. Putting in so much work on yourself, trying to be ready for your person, and there’s still a possibility that it won’t work out or last. Like sure, I can recount the times that would have worked out in my favor if love were enough.

Sometimes love isn’t enough to sustain a relationship. I feel like this is so disappointing for a lot of people. Why can’t it last forever? People grow apart even when the love is still there. People change and evolve in their own individuality.

Life happens, and change is the only constant. Thinking, I am reminded of two of my favorite quotes. I’ve mentioned one before, “you like because, you love despite.”  My other favorite quote is really just a saying from Grey’s Anatomy, “If love were enough, I would still be here with you.” It’s a gentle reminder that love requires surrender.

Love is not controlling. Love is not possessive. Love is an emotion, a feeling, an act, an experience. Love is discipline, devotion, and dedication. Love is gentle and kind.

Love is eternal and infinite. Love is truthful and transparent. This is what love means to me. Love is seeing yourself first, for who you are. When I understood that, I wanted to like myself and love myself.

I wanted to see all parts of me fully exposed. I wanted to address my wounds and the parts of me that I have avoided. I wanted to learn about the parts of me that I didn’t know. I wanted to get to know the parts of me that I never gave a chance. I wanted to show up for myself so I could be good with who I am.

I removed my distractions, which were everything and everyone who only knew the parts of me I made available to them for their own convenience. I sat in silence to indulge in my own company, and now it’s my favorite pastime. When the parts of me showed up that I avoided, I finally welcomed them with open arms. I asked myself the tough questions so that I could get real with myself. I told myself how I really felt so I could acknowledge it, address it, and move on.

Why didn’t I like these particular parts of me? When I got to the root of it, it all stemmed from what someone else told me. A bunch of losers who I let control how I felt about myself. A bunch of insecure shit heads who didn’t even like or love themselves.

People project. Hurt people, hurt people. How you treat people shows exactly who you are. So, how much you do or don’t love yourself will be apparent in any relationship. Self-love is so attractive and so unbothered.

Self-love is awareness. I no longer feel the need to be in control of what’s outside of me. When I got to know myself, everyone became less interesting. Others’ energy no longer consumed me. I wanted nothing to do with anything that didn’t serve me.

I got to a point where everything needed to matter. Everything needed substance in my life. I went from relying on others to make me feel something to needing value instead. I started rejecting those bottom-of-the-barrel ass surface-level intentions.

I am confident. I am secure. I am grounded. I trust myself now, that’s all that matters to me. Anyone meant to cross my path will always add to what I already give to myself.