My Baby Love

I dated a girl in high school whom I just felt like I was madly in love with. You couldn’t tell me anything, and I wasn’t coming up off that. If “crazy, stupid love” was a person, it was me. Now I’m like, was it crazy, stupid love, or was I just stupid and crazy? I can be hard on myself that way.

However, I was just young and in love and expressed it immaturely. Every so often, I think about my past, and I chuckle a little. I was delusional, passionate, and open to any experience that made me feel euphoric. However, I valued attachment in an unhealthy way.

I wanted to be in love. I wanted to be madly in love with community and connection. I didn’t know how to express that when I was a teenager. Love didn’t have to come with romance attached. I loved bonding with people, finding commonalities, and relatability that easily led to a friendship.

Love was simple; it wasn’t complex to me. I never understood those who made it difficult; I still don’t. I never understood those who found it difficult to even say the three words, I love you.  My imagination was filled with innocence. My mind was still pure.

I have experienced the good and the bad parts of love, the beautiful and the ugly, the joy and pain. My belief in love has remained. My wounds do not stain me; I have healed them.

The little girl who will always exist reminds me that love can always be simple. I remember what age and relationship altered my innocent view of love, because it was no longer pure. I was so disappointed. Looking back, I am so proud of how bold I was. I was courageous and committed, practically devoted.

I was open to love, which brought me intense feelings throughout this experience. I was a teenager with raging hormones and unregulated emotions. I barely knew myself, so I definitely didn’t know how to properly love myself back then. However, I didn’t know that. That version of me thought love was enough. I also thought love automatically meant forever.

My first love taught me temporality, insecurity, unawareness, and toxic attachment. I had never felt so drawn to an individual. I had never experienced such a strong lingering energy after meeting someone. The afterthought she left me with made me want to be near her always. I couldn’t get her out of my mind when she was no longer around.

At that age, love doesn’t come with much depth, even though it felt like it to me. Getting to know someone didn’t mean sharing your short-term or long-term goals. A marriage and a family weren’t even in question.  Adolescent love is strictly about vibes.  

Perhaps that’s why it’s so intense, because it’s not based on goals, morals, values, history, or family. It’s pure energy, a bond, commonalities, and relatability in personality. Love was more like a long make-out session.  

With experience, new layers of love start unfolding. New levels are unlocked, and all of a sudden, it’s no longer innocent. The pureness starts looking like imperfections. That’s when I started to see the flaws in love.

My first and I, the passion turned into possession, and the intensity turned into control. We were consumed by each other and just called it young love. It was toxic and euphoric. Of course, we thought we would be together forever. Of course, that is not happening.

I reflect on my love experiences, and sometimes I have the typical thoughts, like that I was immature and naive. I was passionate and foolish. I was also needy and gullible. Perhaps, that’s what made it so innocent. The ignorance of what adults make love to be is what keeps it pure, in a way.

As toxic as it was, young love is so good, and it’s so full. As I have matured and come to understand my feelings, I look forward to a mature romantic experience. However, I appreciate my younger self for being so open and committed to love anyway.

None of the lessons my parents were teaching me at the time mattered. My father would tell me that I have to love myself before loving a person, and to love myself, I must know myself. He would ask me what we had in common beyond materialism. My adolescent self didn’t much care for anything beyond what I could feel.

As much as I understand why adults make it crucial that you don’t fall in love young. Why not? When holding hands and hugs matter most. The only thing that matters is that you wrap your arm around me in the school hallway. Meet me after class and hold my hand on the way to the next one.

Why not fall in love when it’s innocent and pure? But to adults, that is not love. Is it only valid if y’all turn into high school sweethearts and make it through college? Does it have to withstand the test of time?

Young love is so passionate. It’s your first big investment. It’s your first time acting outside of yourself. Young love is being ok with being seen by someone because it comes easily. It’s a natural give-and-take, a selfless act.

It all happens before your first guard goes up. Before love makes you feel unsettled for the first time. Before love makes you feel uneasy. Before you hesitate or start to question it, love is so gentle at first.

It is easier to be in a familiar environment than in a new one. We tend to stray away from pure love. Love is equivalent to God. God is love. Love is the highest frequency.

One of my favorite quotes is “you like because, you love despite.” Loving someone despite something makes love less controlling. We all have likeable and unlikeable traits. So, it’s easy to decide that you do or don’t like a person. However, when you love someone, you do so despite what you see as their flaws.

You look past them, or better yet, you see the parts of them that make them human and accept them. We all have ways, icks, cringes, flaws, and pet peeves. Trying to change them or judge others for those traits just chips away at our pure love. Mind you, we all have choices. Before you judge someone or attempt to change a person, dismiss yourself.

No one needs your tweaking. My flaws don’t bother me, so I couldn’t give a shit if they bother you. The nerve of you to change them. I realize that the last time I experienced true, pure love was when I was an adolescent. I saw someone perfectly imperfect.

Their flaws didn’t bother me, not one. I was purely in love. I saw the little imperfections as uniqueness. Adolescent love or pure love is so innocent that it allows you to be in bliss with a person. The connection is enough.

Looking at someone through the lens of innocence allows one to give and receive the purity of love. I’m sure being ignorant can make love feel easy and innocent. Adolescent love reminds me of two people existing separately, just being grateful to experience each other. It’s like, I think you’re pretty perfect, as do you, let’s be together. When I was growing up, it was just that simple.

It wasn’t about life goals, career goals, or family goals. It was about two people existing and finding the beauty in each other, for doing so. However, love can always be innocent. Love can and should always be pure. Love isn’t as brave anymore; it isn’t as strong, it’s so fragile, and everyone is so afraid.

So many people are afraid of being hurt now. Many people are too scared to be betrayed. Almost everyone has trust issues. And no one wants to take accountability for the damage that we’ve caused. We only want to blame others for our unhealed wounds.

They are gone now, and they’ve left you with the pieces. Yes, it is absolutely our responsibility to put our pieces back together. It is absolutely our responsibility to be happy on our own. Just remember that you are who you attract. I do believe that those around us are a direct reflection of who we are.

Don’t sulk in your hurt for too long. Get up, get yourself together, and be the best version of yourself. Do it for you first, and don’t hold onto the person. It’s ok to hold on to a feeling, but do so with gratitude. Then you can attract another beautiful experience that provides the same beautiful feeling without trying to possess the person.

Maybe we can stop trying to pin our human emotions to a specific human. We can stop expecting to have a beautiful love experience and determine where that comes from. Start wanting more feelings and experiences over an individual. Maybe we should make that part more mysterious instead of trying to control it. Once you know what you want from love, be open to who can share that experience with you.