Dear Projector,

People will disrupt your process, knowingly or unknowingly. Some people will recognize your consistency and will intentionally find ways to disrupt you on your journey; don’t let them. Sometimes God or the universe, or what you believe in, will test you with the exact things that you are trying to overcome.  I understand why growing pains can indeed be painful. I definitely understand what it means to outgrow people and spaces.

I have been very intentional about my journey into adulthood, and I am well into it now. Entering my late 20s made me get my shit together. Reflecting, I've realized over the years how much has changed. I have changed, and so have the people around me. My circle has gotten smaller, my patience is thinner (for bs), my tolerance is shorter (for bs), and my boundaries are stricter. 

These changes are all very good and positive, but they are personal. Some people took my growth personally. Other times, I took others’ responses to my growth personally.  At times, I have felt misunderstood, but that is a part of the journey. When I started committing to myself, I realized how different that looked to those who had known me before.

I also realized how much I had tolerated before. Throughout my journey, I have experienced individuals who lack respect for my growth whenever it doesn’t serve them. This used to make it difficult for me to stay true to myself. When I finally started seeing myself, I saw all of the lies that I had been convincing myself of. I also saw all the lies that I graciously accepted from others.

Can we talk about how some people are just committed to seeing you a certain way? Even outside of experiencing a different version of you. They have probably experienced a side of you that they like, but they would rather commit to disliking you. So, they stick with whatever version of you that will always justify their negative feelings for you. These people are losers, and they hate themselves.

That fake ass box was begging me to rip it open and never close it again. That fake ass box filled with trinkets given to me by others who don’t even know my style or taste, that fake ass box was filled with words that never meant a thing. It also had images of a style that didn’t belong to me. It carried stagnant energy, holding personalities and identities others have projected onto me, and I let them.

This box carried so many versions of me, some I knew, others I had no clue. It was filled to the brim with parts given to me by different people; I just took the ones that made the most sense. I took the parts that resonated with me most, and I made them one. One whole thing, one whole me, because I didn’t give myself a chance to have a say on my own self.

So, I went with the parts that made sense, the ones that I liked most. I hadn’t really spent time with myself, sat with myself, existed in my own presence alone. I had to learn what I looked like behind closed doors.

It was the only way I could get real with myself. I heard someone say once that if you can be honest with yourself, then you can be honest with anyone. When I started practicing this, I realized that it was easier said than done, and it is, in fact, the truth. The ego tries its best to distract you from the truth to prevent that shame or disgust, envy or resentment, the harsh reality. The ego can’t stand the things that are hard to look away from, or that are shameful.

I had to get over it, though; I found myself worth that much. I wanted to know myself well enough so no one could tell me shit about me. I wanted to get so real with myself that it was no longer shameful to be real with others. I also heard someone say that everything starts with the self, and self-control is the ultimate control.

I realize how easy it is to project. I realize how difficult it is to be honest with oneself and the challenges that come with practicing self-control. When it’s hard to look in the mirror so you avoid it, when it’s hard to tell yourself exactly what you need to hear, you only become these things. So, the truth gets out regardless.

It’s better to show up as exactly who you are rather than projecting that onto someone through a response or reaction. I’ve done it, we’ve all been there, it happens. It immediately exposes you to others but not yourself. It’s a moment that no one misses except you, at least that’s how it feels when reflecting on it.

I didn’t want to keep missing myself. I didn’t want to continue to be unaware of myself. I started addressing my triggers when they arise. I recalled the times that I projected my insecurities onto others. I recalled the times when others projected their insecurities onto me. It’s so easy to miss these red flags when you refuse to see your own.

This hasn’t been just one experience or instance for me. Growth is non-linear; change is the only constant; and awareness is simultaneous with this. Self-devotion comes with much reflection. The more I reflected and addressed my triggers, the more I noticed they showed up in certain patterns. Instead of making me feel shame or guilt, it made me more cognizant because I wanted to address my wounds.

I started to recognize the difference between how I felt about myself and how someone else projected onto me. When I distanced myself from opinions, perspectives, and other voices, I started to hear my own. I stopped being afraid to show up as the version of me that I always wanted to be. This is the version of me that I have dreamt of for a very long time.

This is the version of me that no one can take away or possess because it is exactly who I am. Showing up for myself as myself is my lifelong goal. I don’t want to switch up on me for no one. This kind of dedication takes devotion and discipline.

I decided to meet my soul exactly where it is, and I made a promise to myself that I will do that every day. I am still getting to know her. Getting to know myself will not be a thing, since change is the only constant, and all. I will always see my soul for who she is, and I won’t judge her. She is my core.

The only person who was standing in the way of my relationship with myself was me. I wanted to spend more time blaming everyone whom I had allowed to keep me from loving myself because I was too busy loving them. I wanted to spend more time blaming any jealous bitch that saw my power, misused it, and kept me from it. I wanted to spend more time blaming anyone who didn’t reciprocate my energy.

Instead, I had to look down at my own two feet and see my own shit that I was standing in. How I treated myself and how other people treated me were parallel. The two weren’t different; they both shared the same perspective. Instead of spending more time recounting people’s projections, including my own, I started speaking life into myself.

I told myself everything I wanted to hear. I filled my head with little sweet nothings. I cry when I need to, and when I feel like cursing somebody out, I write it in my journal. I’m getting more grounded, so my foundation can be solid. I tend to my root chakra, spend time outdoors, move my hips, and exercise to open my womb.

I fuel my body by drinking my herbs. I am intentional with my daily consumption. Everything must serve me now. I want to feel the God in it, or I don’t want it at all. Though my projectors were reflectors, I don’t see them anymore.