It's Not You, It's 28.

Outright, 28 had me wanting to go back to every bridge burned, rebuild them MFers, and burn them down all over again. 28 had me feeling argumentative af, like who said what?! Zero patience and all the audacity. I replayed every problem, confrontation, fight, and fall-out in my head, and yes, every encounter had me fucked up. I went back and read through my 27 chapters.

All the chapters that I had completed, I flipped back through those pages. I read through the shitty ones that didn’t mean me any good; it was like I was torturing myself. Flipping through each page of every character that had me fucked up. I thought about every villain in my story and wanted to wage war with them all over again. It was like, just in case I didn’t do enough then, if I didn’t react bitchy enough, here’s a bigger bitch.

I have Scorpio placements, so I don’t really need a reason to think about a bitch who has burned me. Every time I thought about how someone had let me down, I thought about how I let myself down. I didn’t just think about how I was treated, but I thought about what I allowed. 27 was on some chill shit; it was mild. However, 28 had me wanting to go back and get mine, whatever that was.

The transition from 27 to 28 is not talked about enough for me; it’s like a mental warp. All of a sudden, everything that is supposed to matter matters. I feel like life showed me all my responsibilities on a Jumbotron, and I had limited time to get my shit together. I started to feel the pressure of being a grown-ass woman, and I could no longer fool myself with excuses. If you are into astrology, this is also the effect of entering a Saturn return.

Throughout my 28^th year as an earthling, I reflected on my early 20s, what a time! I remember when older adults used to tell me not to take my 20s seriously because I was entering adulthood. The 20s are the time to figure it out and fuck it up as many times as you need to. Adulthood is fresh and new, a new time and era that outlasts the youth.

I took full advantage of my early 20s; I had a poppin’ social life, a nightlife, a love life, and a party life. My career was poppin’ at the time. I was a makeup artist for MAC Cosmetics, and I was paid well for a passion I was forcing to be mine. For the time being, I had my shit figured out with no real responsibilities. I was quite literally just a girl.

There are so many phases to being in your 20s, and every single phase should be taken advantage of.  28 was felt. I was not only reminded of my adult responsibilities, but also of my past before I entered my 20s. I remembered my innocence, making decisions without putting any real thought into them, and just being completely irresponsible. I remember when everything didn’t mean much; now everything matters.

Entering my late 20s and now being in the last year, it feels like I am reminded to leave the little girl shit behind. Be tough, suck it up, get smarter, and wizen up, shit is real now. 28 was the opposite of a soft life; it was everything but gentle. Filled with harsh realities and reminders of my lack thereof was what 28 offered me. And I couldn’t even whine about it, I couldn’t even cry about it, I just had to suck it up. I cried anyway.

My usual coping mechanisms didn’t work this time: avoiding, detaching, distancing, disassociating, and so on. The little secret box that held my raw emotion had come open without my permission. Every time I closed my box to keep it shut, it just kept coming undone. I could no longer hide behind my poker face, my sense of humor, or my ability to say nothing. All of a sudden, everything meant something, and I wanted to let it be known.

Not to say that 27 didn’t prepare me for this shit at all, 28 just ripped off the veil. 28 showed me exactly where I was, and how far I still had to go; it was pessimistic. Before, I had always seen how far I had come to remain optimistic. I remained positive, and I got much better at positive self-talk.  28, I was done coddling myself and others.

I no longer wanted to hide behind the things that I am great at, but I wanted to commit to the goals that I knew would challenge me. I was pushed into the passions that I had ignored out of a fake belief that they weren’t meant to be seen. I got real with myself and stopped selling myself short. I fooled myself into thinking that attaining my wants would be enough. I had to get real about my needs and my true desires.

What brings me joy? What do I need to be fulfilled? Chasing wants brought me no peace. Instead, I was going from one thing to the next, developing hobbies instead of routines. I believed I was achieving all of these short-term goals, bringing me temporary pleasure that didn’t last long.

Yeah, shit got real at 28, I got real at 28. I had gotten louder; my voice was getting stronger. I started saying what I really wanted to say and meant it.  I told myself I was no longer going to tone anything down for the sake of others. I cared about nothing and everything simultaneously.

It was the wake-up call I didn’t know I needed, and it was all coming from within. The call was coming from inside the house, girl! My higher self, or the more evolved version of me, refused to allow me to spend another year wrapped up in the same old cycles. She forced me to see my shit and sit in it long enough to know I had to get out of it. The discomfort was a telltale sign that it wouldn’t be easy.

I came face-to-face with all of my insecurities that denial once protected me from. The truth is, I needed to acknowledge my improvement to be proud of my progress because it distracted me from my flaws. It didn’t always work; my insecurities and fears would sneak up on me and force themselves to be seen, showing me just how far I had to go.

A few years back, my sister told me she felt like I never really sat with my emotions. She said I didn’t really allow myself to feel my feelings; I just moved on from one thing to the next. I thought this was my superpower, but it was suppression. I thought I got over things or people quickly, but my sister was right. I didn’t let myself feel my emotions fully.

This is how I coped, and it kept me from dwelling too long. It was like I created this shield to protect me from all the times I felt too much. The phrase “it’s not that deep” used to be the opposite of my feelings and my efforts. Everything used to be that deep to me. I used to feel everything so deeply, and I never benefited from it.

I had subconsciously limited myself from feeling too deeply. I put a limit on myself and others, which created distrust because it wasn’t the transparency, it was the lack thereof. This is what silenced my voice: not speaking up and being honest. I was no longer clear about my own damn boundaries or my goals. I avoided setting expectations for myself to avoid disappointment in any case that something didn’t work out.

28 pushed me into acknowledgment, routine, and healthy coping mechanisms. I started seeing myself with pure eyes and a pure heart. I saw myself for who I am, not what others have projected onto me. Even the parts of me that were hard to face head-on, I still took a peek. 28 didn’t skip a beat.

All of the signs were there, in my face; it felt like I had to get my shit together right then or I would be screwed forever. So, I started transmuting my self-doubt into self-belief. I acknowledged my insecurities and turned them into everything that makes me unique. I turned my habits into a routine. Instead of daydreaming, I started reading.

Instead of being trapped in my fantasies, I started meditating. I tuned in to my breath. I listened to my heart so that it would open more. I turned inward in a healthy way. I am listening to my body now.

I am showing up for myself, no matter how it looks or feels. I am honoring my moods by giving the day my effort. I am allowing my energy to meet my actions halfway, and I force them to collaborate. I replaced my poker face with my happy face. Now I'm having my way!