My First Man-Boy

When I was a teenager, my mama told me never blame anyone for showing me exactly who they are. It is not my responsibility to change anyone, but only to accept them for who they are. It’s a piece of advice that I often sit with. Acceptance doesn’t always mean keeping someone in association with you. Sometimes acceptance means acknowledging that there is no alignment between you and an individual and moving on.

This is how I concluded that I was dealing with a man-boy. A controlling MFer who ain’t have shit. My first man-boy, no stable income, no car, no driver’s license, nothing in his name. Now, none of this was a problem for me because I didn’t really need him for those things; I had them all on my own. Which was a huge mistake on my end because I was so secure in what I brought to the table, I didn’t pay attention to these very obvious red flags.

So, when I started to resent this man-boy, I wasn’t even shocked because I already knew why. I couldn’t believe that I actually thought I would be able to keep my independent life completely separate from this relationship because of things like boundaries. This is such an unrealistic mindset for any romantic relationship. Of course, our lives started intertwining, and the more it did, the more I pulled away.

I was putting in way too much effort physically and emotionally to not be pleased or satisfied in those areas in return. Sticking around happened because I thought this man-boy was goal-oriented until I started witnessing his daily routine, which consisted of going to work at a dispensary, then spending the rest of the day on a gaming console. YUCK! And can you believe that all he wanted to do was sit on FaceTime with me the entire time, even on his off days. Either spending the night at his place or spending all day on the phone.  Fuck my full-time job and being a full-time student.

I was dealing with a man-boy who wanted to be a part of every single moment of my day. Throughout this short time in history, I made multiple attempts to slow things down or just go at my own pace. This man-boy made it impossible for me to keep anything to myself. I started feeling like I was suffocating in this shit show. I no longer had time to myself or for myself. Because the man-boy didn’t have a life, it was hard for him to fathom that I did. The man-boy had nothing but time, so he found it hard to understand that, after having a full-time job and being in school, of course, I need time for myself. Like, hello!

As much as I grew a dislike for this man-boy and started resenting him while in the relationship, it was still a little tough to cut things off completely. I knew it was because a past version of me would have tried to stick around. A past version of me would have tried to motivate him to show up for himself. A past version of myself always saw the potential and the possibilities in everything. I thought it was my superpower to be able to bring people closer to themselves by acknowledging their potential. Long story short, I set that version of myself free.

I have forgiven that version of me for sticking around longer than she should and entertaining bullshit situations. So, I knew what this was, I knew my past self and my healed self were at odds. I could feel myself being pulled in two different directions. Whenever I would spend time with man-boy, I could feel my past self clinging on to me, desperate for me to stick around a little while longer, but I had to go, and I had to forgive myself before doing so.

I found myself struggling with forgiveness regarding man-boy. My evolved self was now beating up my past, enabling self. So, random moments with man-boy would cross my mind, making me resent him even more, as well as finding it difficult to forgive myself. For example, imagine being asked this question: What did I do wrong when all I ever wanted to do was love you and spend time with you? Is anyone else fucking disgusted by that? Like, why are you answering the question for me? And asking what you did wrong to respond with what you did right is manipulation.

Someone who could only point out what they did right obviously has a hard time being flawed or accepting their flaws. Man-boys who don’t have anything going on always want to criticize other people’s shit. Again, yuck! So, for a while, my lack of acceptance looked a lot like rage because how could you not know how shitty you actually are? I found myself telling this man-boy about himself a lot because certainly, if you can dish it, you can take it. Eventually, it got old and tired because I am done with the back and forth.

Acceptance and forgiveness are a two-way thing. I had to accept myself for who I had become. I was no longer the kind of partner who cared to argue. I got to a point where phone conversations couldn’t last more than 60 minutes, so sleeping on the phone wasn’t even in question. I no longer wanted anyone just chilling in my personal space; go in your space and do that. All these things just aren’t me anymore. I realized that I was grieving these parts of me while I was with this person, which is probably why I attracted him in the first place. That part!

Accepting me for who I had become made me realize that this person and I just weren’t aligned. I couldn’t be the partner he needed me to be, and I was just so unfulfilled. Once I realized that, I ended things. Acceptance allowed me to do what needed to be done. I don’t believe in the ticking clock, but if we are on a ticking clock, then why are we wasting time here? However, man-boy was on a ticking clock. Anytime age and marriage are mentioned in the same sentence, it is an immediate red flag for me. Just saying.

Additionally, it’s a turn-off. How are you on a ticking clock, given everything that you do not have going on? Man-boys love doing shit for all the wrong reasons. Usually, man-boys do shit for a look or an aesthetic; they can be worse than the girlies in that way. As time went on, I saw a man-boy who thought he had come up on something fucking with me. Hell no, it was like my life had flashed before my eyes, and I could see our future. Which looked like a man-boy always relying on me. Fuck “allat”!

Of course, I eventually couldn’t believe that I even gave that person the time of day. Forgiveness always comes with a side of yuck! First comes yuck, then comes acceptance, and then the big finish is forgiveness. There is a difference between dating someone who is trying to figure their shit out without having much going on and someone who simply doesn’t have shit, not a goal, not a plan, not a dream, idea, thought, not shit.