Roleplay

It’s so easy not to believe that you’re the villain in someone’s story. It’s easy to believe that you did nothing wrong. Revenge, consequences, uncertainty, lack of attention, the list goes on. There are so many reasons to either blame someone for their actions or justify your own. Either way, accountability can always be had on both sides.

It’s easier said than done, especially in the moment. Not everyone can own up to their actions in a short timeframe. Sometimes it takes a while, which is why we often hold on to clarity and wonder about when that day will come. That day when we finally sit down and talk like two adults. Usually, an apology is extended from both ends.

Depending on the integrity of the connection, some individuals can separate and reconvene later on, while others may need a few days. Bad breakups can take a few weeks to months, even.  If it were a really bad fallout, it could take years. Then there’s the possibility of clarity never happening.

I have experienced all of these situations. Usually, when you can have a clarifying conversation with someone, it changes how you see them and vice versa. Clarifying conversations can quickly turn someone from a villain to a hero. Accountability and forgiveness can really change someone’s perception.

Accountability can be challenging in the moment because you’ll have to check your ego to do so. I remember when I decided to seek revenge on my ex because I found out she had dealings with another woman. I, in turn, had my own dealings with one of her cordials. Honey, the drama. The drama it created alone exhausted me.

Vengeance is not mine, says the lord. That one experience taught me never to seek revenge or try to do my big one and get my get back. It was all so stressful. The arguments, the tears, the sneaking around, and just playing games were all too much. I felt like shit in the end.

I wanted nothing to do with anyone after giving so much of my energy; it was draining. That was what pushed me into taking myself seriously. I felt like a mess. Playing with people made me feel like I was playing with myself. It showed me a side of myself that I couldn’t unsee. I knew I didn’t want to see that part of me again, so I did the work to unpack it.

I had to figure out why I stayed with someone who refused to commit to me in the first place. I had to figure out why I wanted to seek revenge rather than end the relationship in the first place.

I was fighting to be seen by someone; I had to get to the root of that. Taking accountability makes you care less about whatever role you played in someone else’s story. I am certain that I am the villain in a few stories from my past connections.

I used to be ok with that because they did me wrong, too. Now, I am ok with it because I have accepted myself for who I was back then. I obviously wasn’t as mature as I am now. I realize I shouldn't have been involved in a few of my experiences. My emotions were all over the place.

I used to entertain people because they were interested in me, regardless of my state of mind. I allowed people in my life while I was in the midst of my own shit. I felt like that was their choice. I was selfish instead of honest. I expected people to adjust to my circumstances because I didn’t require their presence.

Though that says much about them, this isn’t about them; everything starts with you. I should’ve communicated my expectations and what I had to give. I should’ve been more assertive rather than available.

That’s the thing about leaving your door open. Thinking that I could always separate my individuality from the person, but you ultimately become your surroundings. In partnership, parts of you eventually take on each other’s characteristics. I recently heard someone say that you have to be careful who you court because they’re who you’ll become. Partnership, romantic or platonic, should always be taken seriously.

The person you choose eventually takes on your parts and vice versa. I feel like we’re so not living in that world these days, but I digress. I would let people come and go at one point. I entertained people for the sake of company. Communication was my biggest problem; I didn’t express myself because I was afraid to.

I am certain that I am the villain in a few stories because of my lack of communication, detachment, and distance. In my early to mid-twenties, I was definitely toxic. I was clinging to the idea of love. I actually liked the idea of it a lot more than the real thing. The real thing was just disappointing.

I had commitment issues without even realizing it. I didn’t notice I needed surface-level connections to feed the idea of love I had at the time. I no longer wanted the depth. I just wanted someone to entertain, but as soon as it got too serious, I would check out. Love got too heavy by then; I no longer wanted the responsibility.

I was so burnt out from giving so much of myself at an early age. I felt like I had the experience. I felt like I had the love, and I no longer felt the need to chase it, but not in a positive way. It caused me to show up half-ass in these previous connections. I wanted the company, but I didn’t want the commitment.

I couldn’t bring myself to get close to people because I didn’t want the imperfections of our connection to tarnish my perfect idea of love. I kept people at a distance. I had given my all at a young age, and I felt the repercussions. I didn’t want the responsibility, and I definitely didn’t want to be hurt again. I fooled myself into thinking I didn’t care.

I didn’t realize how much I let people drain me of my energy, so when I crossed paths with a few good people, I had no energy to give. I met amazing individuals when I was 26-27. Potential friendships that could pour into me the way I poured into the wrong people. I didn’t have the energy to give, or the space, time, and commitment. That’s why it’s important to withhold your energy from those who don’t deserve it.

Let accountability teach you so that you don’t become bitter. It’s so easy to be mad at those who took advantage of you or took you for granted. However, I continued to invest in these individuals even when it became one-sided. I told myself I would never do that again. I told myself that in fear, so I left no room for the right people.

I still wasn’t doing myself any favors. I truly believe that we all need somebody. We all need people, safe spaces, support, and community. I had to reopen my heart to the idea and the reality of that so that I can attract it. So, I spent time restoring my energy.

I acknowledged the mistakes I made. Accountability keeps you out of victimhood. Resentment, anger, or bitterness only makes you see what was done to you. I’ve been there, but that is the ego. I had to calm her down; I had to silence her because she was doing too much.

My ego wanted to say “to hell” with everybody; nobody deserves me. I wanted to keep what I had left to myself. I was fed up, and I had trust issues. My ego kept me from seeing the part I played in these toxic connections because I was no angel.

My perfect excuse was that I gave it my all, as if people don’t give what they have at the time. I could’ve always gotten my ass out of there instead of trying to be “Captain Save-a-ho”. I could’ve always gotten my ass out of there before seeking my own revenge to make someone feel how they made me feel. As I reflected on my decisions, all of the options followed because we all have choices. All of the should’ve, could’ve, and would haves came to mind.

Reflecting can be a rabbit hole within itself. I had to be careful; I had to approach my past self with grace. I was ready to acknowledge and understand. I didn’t want to be hard on myself about whatever I felt like I let someone get away with. I wanted to revisit, revise, and recorrect.

I got to the root of every negative emotion so that I could clean up my mess. It was time to shake back and get myself together. I got my head out of my ass, and I stopped standing in my own way. With that came so much wisdom. I started receiving information and enlightenment that helps me grow.

Sometimes I ask myself where this version of me has been my whole life. The enlightenment I receive will sometimes make me question why I didn’t always have it. I realize that my experiences had to happen. I am currently existing as a version of myself that I’ve always dreamt of being. Now, excuse me while I go cry in the mirror.