The Heart of the Matter

Well, I did it today. I finally made a move. I was sitting on an apology that I couldn’t bring myself to say to an individual. I was scared, and I had my reasons.

I cared, after all. I cared about the mark I made on her. I cared about the impression I left her with. I cared about how I made her feel. I couldn’t bring myself to apologize because I couldn’t own my mistakes.

Owning my mistakes made betrayal real. I had to accept that I had betrayed somebody. I had to come to terms with my bad decisions. It was hard because she’s someone I was head-over-heels about. How can you betray someone you love?

Many people don’t think that love and betrayal can coexist. My question is, can they? I sat with this one for a while because I can’t deny my feelings, though my actions said otherwise. It makes me think of my favorite quote from Grey’s Anatomy, if love were enough, because sometimes it just isn’t.

As I was healing, reflecting, and reminiscing a little, I questioned my love for this person. Is it true that you can’t love a person until you love yourself? Ultimately, yes, it is true. However, it is still a loaded statement. I feel like you can only love a person for so long before it becomes toxic without loving yourself first.

It’ll only last for so long; it can only go so far because the lack will show eventually. Overcompensation will be a problem. When I was with her, there was no way anyone could tell me that I was not in love. Even thinking about it now, I refuse to admit that I was not in love, because what else was it? It was the love I knew at the time.

I loved her with all of the love I had, with the love I knew. My self-love was not as present as my love for her.  Perhaps this is why I betrayed her. I think that’s what makes betrayal easy: not loving yourself first and not being self-aware. I don’t think these qualities operate from a place of lack because they bring security.

Knowing who you are and loving yourself removes the need to rely on others to fulfill your desires. So, when I wasn’t loving myself enough, I entertained whoever could. Whoever I thought could love me enough, which is toxic as hell. No love will ever be enough when you are not loving yourself first. Everything that I was lacking showed up eventually.

I required too much; high expectations aren’t always a good thing. Sometimes we haven’t met our own high standards but expect others to meet them. It’s like, love me so I feel seen because I’ll feel like you’ve accepted the parts of me that I haven’t accepted. Love me enough so that I find myself good enough. Love me enough so that I think I’m worth it.

What a burden to place on someone else. I was toxic before because I loved prematurely. I have written about the beautiful parts of young love. I have discussed how important it is to take accountability. I am aware of my flaws and imperfections. Being honest with myself made me realize that I was not emotionally available.

I was listening to one of my favorite covers by India Arie, The Heart of the Matter, as if her voice isn’t healing enough, but that song always takes me to a place.

These times are so uncertain

There’s a yearning undefined

And people filled with rage

We all need a little tenderness

How can love survive in such a graceless age

And the trust and self-assurance that lead to happiness

They’re the very things we kill, I guess

Our personal lack of fulfillment overrides the simplicity of love. Sometimes we jeopardize our own security for the sake of a relationship. We live in a society that would prefer to have someone rather than no one at all. Especially the older you get, it’s better to have a partner than to be single. How much do we compromise by making this our priority?

Because putting up with someone’s crap is better than finding peace alone- is it the look? You would think we would find more certainty and security in ourselves than in someone else. How lonely one must be to choose the company of someone over oneself. How lazy one must be to rely on others’ security over one's own. At what point do we feel like what we have is not enough and require more from what’s outside of us?

How often do we settle? When we choose someone over ourselves, how often is that settling over compromising? I think our society is slowly transitioning to not taking any BS. I have been on two opposite sides of social media; one serves my guilty pleasure, which consists of a little drama, and the other is the harsh reality of the state of the world. I have been very intentional about my algorithm, and yes, both sides serve me.

I have been very intentional about what serves me, which is why I decided to apologize. I knew it was time to reach out to her because of how I felt when she crossed my mind the last time. Usually, I would think of her defensively. Like, yeah, we both messed up. We were both young and toxic.

For every reason I had to apologize, I justified it with a reason not to. I didn’t understand why she would still cross my mind. Every time she crossed my mind, I would feel guilty, but I would ignore it. I ignored it because she did me wrong, too.  My ego would eat me up every time, making me feel validated.

This time was different. This time, when I thought of her, I knew I needed to apologize. I knew I needed to take accountability for my part, so I could let her go. It wasn’t about her; it was about me. It was about where I was on my journey and what I needed to release before going forward.

My ego hated being the villain; I hated that I could be so evil in someone’s story. My ego counted all of her wrongs. Counting her wrongs was a buffer for mine. This time, I knew it wasn’t about what she had done, nor had I. I knew it was about guilt, old baggage, and old ways that were no longer mine.

Because she was so significant during this chapter, I needed to address her to complete it. I realized that to commit to this chapter, I had to finish writing that one. It wasn’t even about what she would say; I didn’t need her to say a thing. That’s the thing about clarity and peace; it’s not always about the other person. The release of ownership made so much space open up inside of me.

I felt this spacious room open and ready to receive my manifestations. Love is the highest frequency, and love doesn’t operate in the ego. To make space for the true love I desire, I needed to let go of that old baggage. I needed to let go of the idea of love I once held, one that had disappointed me. My ego was ready to prove that I am a better person before acknowledging everything that made me better.

You don’t really grow from good things happening. You can’t really evolve without being pushed into it. You’ll stay the same; you’ll stay complacent, and I’m not the same. I’m not that same version of myself, and I couldn’t own that without letting go of everything that doesn’t serve this version of myself. I knew that apologizing to her was a last goodbye to who I used to be; that’s why it wasn’t about her.